having so much love in your heart is beautiful and amazing right up until you’re alone in your bedroom clutching at your chest and whimpering like a wounded dog
i’ve been single since april 2021. sometimes i miss having a significant other (the physical intimacy, having someone who loves you and cares for you in a way that’s different from your friends) but the thought of potentially going through another breakup terrifies me. maybe that’s why i refuse to put more effort into trying to meet someone as well.
i’d like to think that if i did go through another breakup that i’d be in a better place mentally to heal. i have hobbies that i can distract myself with, friends that i trust and can spend time with, a job that i actually enjoy, coworkers that i can talk to. but the painful truth is that no matter what, a breakup is going to suck the life out of you and hurt like a bitch.
i am terrified of letting someone into my life and have them learn everything about me, my past, my family/friends, because there’s a chance that one day they just won’t be in it anymore. this is the reason i didn’t go “no contact” with either of my exes. i just couldn’t fathom suddenly cutting everything off when they had been in my life for a year and a half straight. but i was basically torturing myself because i was constantly dissecting every snapchat i got and every story they posted to hear whose voice was in the background, whose arm was slightly showing in the pic. i kept overthinking about everything, the way i would if i was in a situationship. and this was before the term “situationship” was even a thing (i think).
i’ve been on and off the apps since freshman year of college. i quit them all earlier this year but redownloaded them whenever i was traveling solo. it’s a little humbling to see people that i’ve seen when i was 18 who are still on the apps. i’m not any better if i’m still on them as well.
i joined a kickball league but it got rained out 4 weeks in a row that i lost interest in going. i thought i was being smart by choosing a saturday league but in reality, saturdays are my lazy days. i should’ve chosen one during the week. i might do that actually. anyway, i joined it in hopes to meet new friends so maybe when i decide to join another, i will actually go.
anyway, i’ve been talking to two people that sent me likes when i was in chicago for arc. they seem nice but i already know it won’t go anywhere because we’re not in the same state. well maybe one might become a friend because he goes to many festivals around the states. regardless i’m enjoying the conversations.
i wonder if i’ll be able to meet someone “organically”.
my life story, I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep
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